Remember when Carrie Bradshaw called bisexuality a “layover on the way to Gay Town” in Sex And The City?
Bisexual people have long been stigmatized as selfish or greedy and confused about what they really want. But what if you just so happen to be a selfish, greedy, and/or confused bisexual? The truth is that everyone embodies these traits from time to time, regardless of who we are and how we identify. But if you’re bisexual and come across like this, you’re seen to be perpetuating a stereotype.
Enter The Chaotic Bisexual
, a film or TV character who fully embraces this stereotype with open arms. The Disaster Bisexual, as they’re otherwise known, is a hot mess above all else, and proud of it, too. Nobody’s perfect and the Chaotic Bisexual revels in that, finding joy and freedom in this reclamation of tired, boring tropes.
By letting bisexual characters be messy on screen, it gives bisexual audiences permission to be flawed and chaotic themselves. And boy are some of these characters messy.
Chaos is hard to pin down (for obvious reasons), but in such a stellar year for bisexual representation on screen, it feels correct to rank 10 of our fave chaotic bisexuals regardless. Don’t agree with our picks? Good. We thrive on chaos, remember?
10. Nick Nelson (Heartstopper)
On the face of it, Nick isn’t chaotic in the slightest. If anything, he’s a grounding force for Charlie and their group of friends, always a reliable shoulder to cry on. You could even say he’s the perfect boyfriend. But no one is that perfect. Not really. And hiding your flaws so intensely isn’t good for anyone.
Trust us when we say that there’s chaos brewing deep inside Nick, something so messy that it could very well outdo everyone else on this list combined. Charlie has no idea what’s coming. But we do. We’re watching you, Nick Nelson.
9. Prince Fiyero (Wicked)
Fiyero is hot. It’s an immutable fact of science, like water is wet or gays walk fast. And boy does Fiyero know it. The Prince isn’t “dancing” through life so much as he is gliding on the adoration of others.
Man, woman, horse… no one can defy the gravitational pull of Jonathan Bailey’s eyes. Not G(a)linda, who he supposedly loves, not Elphaba, who he almost definitely loves, and not any other rando he might meet on the street either, because let’s face it: Prince Fiyero is a messy sl*t (complimentary) and the whole of Oz is helpless to resist.
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8. Missy Beckett & Malakai Mitchell (Heartbreak High)
With the end of Riverdale last year, 95% of Chaotic Bisexual representation was instantly lost to us in one fell swoop. The LGBTQ+ community hasn’t known such sorrow since… Well, since Riverdale ended, but don’t despair!
Netflix’s remake of the Australian series Heartbreak High is gayer than Sydney Mardi Gras thanks in no small part to Missy and Malakai, two self-proclaimed “bloody bisexual icons.” Their unique brand of chaos isn’t so demonic as it is teenage in nature, which is to say they’re horned up kids who love to bang anyone and anything. Let’s just hope hearts are the only things that get broken with all that endless thrusting and friction going on.
7. Kyle Richards (The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills)
In discussions around her “evolving” sexuality, Kyle Richards hasn’t technically described herself as bisexual per se. However, the energy she’s been giving, especially around her apparent friendship with country crooner Morgan Wade, is certainly chaotic and more than just a tad bisexual in nature.
Rumours around the pair’s connection came to a head with the sultry music video they made together and a recent RHOBH reunion where Richards refused to confirm or deny if her feelings for Wade are more than platonic. “Puppygate” could never.
6. Jacqueline “Jackie” Cleaver (Love Lies Bleeding)
Simply being in Kristen Stewart’s presence would be enough to turn anyone queer. Just look at Robert Pattinson! But even without Kristen, Katy O’Brian’s role as Jackie opposite her in Love Lies Bleeding would be massively bisexual regardless. And we really do mean “massively” in every way possible.
Not only does Katy play an extremely hot unhinged bodybuilder, but by the end of the film, Jackie *spoiler* grows 50 feet tall with enough bisexual energy to power an entire Halsey tour. Yet surprisingly enough, that’s not even the most chaotic thing Jackie does in this glorious sapphic ode to the criminal underbelly of midwest America.
5. Macrinus (Gladiator II)
If Gladiator II is to be believed, the history books lied to us. Because it turns out Ancient Rome was never ruled by an emperor, after all. It was ruled by an absolute queen, the one and only Macrinus, played here by an extremely foxy Denzel Washington who’s decked out in flowing robes and gold earrings throughout. Macrinus lives for chaos because it’s in that mess where he can grab power for himself (while making out with everyone on the side). Plus he has a hoot picking out muscular young men to brawl in skirts for him.
Washington himself channeled some of that chaotic bisexual energy in a recent interview where he claimed that a same-sex kiss between Macrinus and a Roman senator was cut by the powers that be. In response, studio representatives said the scene was definitely absolutely 100% for sure not cut because they hate the gays. Whatever the truth might be, just know that Macrinus is supposed to kill the guy five minutes after they kiss, which screams Chaotic Bisexual more than the kiss itself.
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4. Ava Daniels (Hacks)
Ava is an ambitious horny mess who struggles to sit properly in a chair. She is, in many ways, the quintessential “chaotic bisexual.” That’s especially true in Hacks season three where Ava’s love and hate for her boss flips faster than two inebriated vers guys on Fire Island.
Special mention must go to the final moments of the season where Ava turns the tables on Deborah, using her own playbook against her in a “gotcha” for the ages that’s also remarkably horny in its own way, too. You could hack through the sexual tension with a cleaver.
3. Sean Palmieri (Selling The OC)
Forget open house tours. On Selling The OC, it’s open season for messy bisexual drama, especially when O Group agent Sean Palmieri is involved. Rumors that his coworker Austin Victoria asked Sean for a threesome with his wife Lisa led to screaming of a different kind when Austin accused him of lying in the courtyard at work. In front of everyone.
Who should we side with? That’s hard to say, but choosing to believe Sean is definitely the most fun option. Let’s just hope he goes back on his exit plans and decides to return for season four, after all. The OC won’t be the same without him.
2. Patrick Zweig (Challengers)
From the churro chow-down to that boner boink, it’s obvious that Art and Patrick are in love. How else do you explain them kissing each other so much when the option to just make out with Zendaya is sitting right in front of them? Ok, yes, they clearly love her too—obsessively in fact—but nothing these men do together is remotely straight, especially when they eye each other up in the sauna.
Yet of the two, Patrick is the most certifiably chaotic for sure. He’s more outwardly manipulative and untrustworthy to boot. Does that make him a villain? Not exactly. No one in Challengers comes off great, morally speaking. But he’s certainly the messiest—and dare we say sexies—bisexual in an ace movie full of them.
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1. Mary & George Villiers (Mary & George)
Mary & George is a royally f*cked up affair that stars not one but two of the most chaotic, deliciously cruel bisexuals you’ll meet in this time period or any other. Mary is arguably the worst of the two because she’s quick to exploit her hot son, forcing him to seduce the outrageously gay King, James VI and I. Yes, he had two names. That’s how gay he was. Yet George also does his fair share of wicked things to reach the top (or bottom, as Nicholas Galitzine regularly does in his films).
Despite the pair’s chiseled jawlines and lofty ambitions, the sad truth is that things eventually get too messy, even for them, and they end up deeply unhappy (as disaster bisexuals so often do). To be fair though, Mary was never going to win a Mother Of The Year award, even if Julianne Moore literally mothered while playing her. And George was never going to reign fully as the spiteful queen he is, even if he did share the royal bed with his highness.
The only winners here then are us, the viewers, who gay gasped so often while watching that we regularly had to pause the show and clutch our pearls while reaching for an inhaler, out of breath.
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